Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
U Should have said " it's ok baby most girls Sh*t when I do that.
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
Randomize
