I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
Randomize
