i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
are any of them hardcore sluts...just absolute worthless human beings? if not the paper wins
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
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