Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
I don't think requesting him as a BBM contact is proper protocol following vomming in his bed.
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Randomize
