I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
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