i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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