I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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