I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
Randomize
