about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
Randomize
