you didnt say anything until i brought it up today. i guess i misjudged your maturity.
I guess I misjudged your gender.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
We had sex on a dog bed..
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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