im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
..puke & rally mid art final. HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO!
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
Randomize
