The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
She stumbled into class and Google image searched nipple piercings for the entire 75 minutes
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
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