Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
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