My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Randomize
