I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Randomize
