I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
so far we have 6 big wheels and 10 boxes of wine for the tour de franzia. team drunkslut is favored to win the yellow jersey.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
Do you know of any good hiding spots in the Atlanta area?
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Our conversation concluded a weekly schedule of casual sex in between classes.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
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