I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
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