There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
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