dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
Randomize
