I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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