That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
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