how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Randomize
