It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
i believe in u and ur pee
Randomize
