I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
Randomize
