I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
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