Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
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