Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
im naked on webcam to her boyfriend, but im playing neopets at the same time, so its all evened out
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
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