and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
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