i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
I just googled dawgpound, shoulda seen that pornsite coming
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Randomize
