I like to think it a success when the cops are called
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
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