ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
Randomize
