It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
you inspire me to be a worse person
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
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