Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
