If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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