Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
Randomize
