That girl's pussy is like White Castles, you crave it once in awhile, but you know next morning you regret eating it.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
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