The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
