What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
Randomize
