I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
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