best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
im almost positive that in mid thrust she told me she was pro choice
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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