he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
ttyl tear gas
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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