literally had 100 drinks last night.
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
Randomize
