think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Randomize
