Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Randomize
