Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Randomize
