This ginger kid smells like a queef popsicle
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Randomize
