I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
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