Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
all i know is that they all tuched my pee cup last night.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
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