My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Randomize
