My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
Randomize
