I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
Watching her eat just hurts me
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
His penis is average but his stamina is amazing!!! I didn’t know I had that many orgasms in my body!!!!
Randomize