im officially scared..,i finally realized who my boyfriend reminds me of! spencer pratt
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
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