You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
she told me i tasted like america
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
Randomize
