What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
Randomize
