she takes plan B like it's going out of style
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Randomize
