You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
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