where am i from again
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
