Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
Adam has been drinking
Who has his phone
Adam does
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
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