I've had that scene from "Parenthood" where Rick Moranis' character is singing "Close To You" to his wife in classroom, stuck in my head all morning.
I guess my mind is just wondering whatever happened to Rick Mornais.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
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